The cost of trying to be likeable at work
Do you worry about being liked at work? Focusing on being likeable can come with a hidden cost. While it’s natural to want to be liked by those around you, putting too much weight on how others feel about you can lead to problems in the long run.
Here’s what the experts suggest to avoid the likeability trap.
What is the likeability trap?
The likeability trip is when people prioritise being liked at work, leading to people-pleasing behaviour: trying to keep everyone happy.
“It’s where people don’t want to assert themselves or have difficult conversations for fear of damaging the relationship,” says Leah Lambart, Career Coach at Relaunch Me. “For example, new managers might want to be liked and can end up focusing on that rather than being respected.”
Unfortunately, this approach can backfire. This is something Kristine Tuazon, Director of Good People HR, has seen firsthand. In one case, a manager’s desire to be friends with their direct reports led to team members quitting as they struggled without strong leadership.
Lambert commonly sees new managers fall into this behaviour, particularly if they’ve gone from working in the team to then managing their peers.
“There’s a real paradox between trying to retain good relationships but also having to give negative feedback or delegate, which can be challenging,” she says.
She often sees it affect working mothers too. “They’re sometimes more susceptible because they’re worried that if they say no [to taking on more work], others will assume it’s due to being a mum and therefore not up to the task.”
There are real negative effects from this. Putting too much emphasis on saying yes and pleasing others frequently leads to more stress and overwork. It could even lead to burnout and people quitting because they’ve taken on too much or colleagues start to take advantage of them, says Lambart.
How to overcome the likeability trap
Overcoming the likeability trap doesn’t mean being harsh or rude. Instead, it’s about setting boundaries and making logical, informed decisions. Here are six tips from the experts.
1. Identify if you’re falling into the trap
Check for signs that you’re focusing on pleasing others rather than doing what’s right for your role or team. Ask yourself if you’re saying yes to unrealistic requests, avoiding giving negative feedback (even if it’s needed!), apologising excessively or struggling to delegate because you’re afraid people will complain.
2. Reframe decision-making
Start by looking at how you make work decisions. It’s easy to fall into people pleasing by simply focusing on being liked rather than what’s logical or most effective.
“Take a step back and think if it’s clear, fair and consistent for the team, rather than whether people are going to like the decision,” says Lambart.
3. Start small
Changing your mindset and behaviours can be a challenge. Try to view it as a daily practice, suggests Tuazon.
“Start with little things, like saying no,” she says. “I find it’s easier to start by saying no to small tasks such as declining invitations when you are busy or saying no to a weekend outing when you just want some down time.”
Over time, you’ll build up resilience and feel more comfortable expressing your choices without worrying about the reactions of others.
4. Set boundaries – and stick to them
Boundaries are critical to avoiding the likeability trap. You need to be clear on exactly what your boundaries are in the workplace. They might be around your hours of work, your flexibility or how you’re contacted. For example, you might turn down overtime on Tuesdays so you can get to sports practice.
“Once you’ve figured out your boundaries, practice feeling confident communicating these to your manager or team, to make sure the boundaries you’ve established don’t get pushed,” Lambart says. “Once boundaries get blurred it’s very hard to come back.”
5. Sit with discomfort
This shift in mindset and behaviours might feel uncomfortable at first. Learn to feel comfortable with this discomfort. “People pleasers don't want anyone to think negatively of them, but it’s okay to let others have a negative thought,” says Tuazon. “Prepare yourself for the fact that they might not be happy, but you’re doing the right thing.”
6. Don’t be mean about it
Avoiding the likeability trap doesn’t mean being rude – you shouldn’t push back or say no in a mean way, says Lambart. Just be confident and consistent – stand by your decisions in a neutral and matter-of-fact way, without being either defensive or apologetic.
Falling into the likeability trap at work can lead to burnout and being taken advantage of. While trying to keep everyone happy will make you more liked in the short term, it ultimately sets you up for failure. Instead, set boundaries and only say yes to people if it makes sense for you.
